Remembering Mom

My amazingly wonderful mother passed away a year ago today. It was the saddest day of my life, as it was for the rest of my family. It hardly seems like a year has passed. Some days I forget that she is gone. I feel like sometimes I pretend it didn’t happen. Other days, the loss is so fresh and raw. My family just left me in Thailand, where I will continue another two weeks traveling to Laos and Cambodia on my own.  This was our first-ever family vacation without Mom. It was strange and just…. different without her.

The Lewis family sans Mom at Wat Rong Khoon, Thailand.

Anyone who knew my mom would agree that she was the queen of positivity. She coined the phrase, “Make it a great day!” (much to our chagrin as young children). She had the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known and was the soul of our large, close-nit family.

Mom was passionate about helping all living things, even animals. One of her favorite charities held an adoption event in her honor.

It is a very difficult thing, losing a parent, not only for the loss your soul suffers, but also because you must reorient yourself in the world. The whole family dynamic is thrown out of whack. It’s like we just stand there looking at each other, wondering what we’re supposed to do. It can take a while to adjust and figure out how to take on some of the roles and responsibilities left vacant. It’s a complex task, and I think we’re still trying to figure it out. But we’ll get there.

Mom called me “princess.” It wasn’t meant to be sarcastic. I was the first girl (and first child for that matter). I miss that nickname. Princess LaLa.

It’s extremely hard for me not to get trapped in despair and devastation. I consider this a testament to how beautiful and amazing a person my mom was and how deep my love is for her. It’s not a bad thing to be sad. It’s an indicator of how blessed I was to have someone so special in my life. And now I’ll say the truth that I hate to hear: life goes on. It does. It’s a bit depressing, but as long as you acknowledge that, you can keep on trucking with the caveat that you’re going to be sad for a while (if not forever). But you can be so, so happy for the amazing time that you had together.

Besties strolling in Destin, Florida

I feel so fortunate and so blessed to have had a mother who was so kind, worldly, intelligent, and above all, fiercely loving of her family. Mom taught me so many indispensable lessons, and I would like to think I picked up a couple of her many wonderful traits as a human. One of the things I loved so, so much about my mom was that she genuinely loved people. Anyone who met her would comment on how fun, happy and nice she was. She was just fun to be around- period. She always reminded us to count our blessings and be thankful for what we had and to never feel or act entitled and to embrace humility.

Three generations of Lewis women.

When a person like this is taken from you, it becomes almost impossible to see the light at the end of the very dark tunnel. Everything becomes dull, and the joy is just sucked away from life. When I looked around for something positive to focus on, I kept running into the brick wall of “what’s the point?” Life suddenly and all at once becomes trite and almost meaningless. But the challenge (I’m always up for a challenge) is rediscovering the point of it all: the beauty of life and why it is important to go on. This is the main reason I started traveling so frequently over the last six months. I had to go out in the world and rediscover its beauty- in its nature and in its peoples’ cultures- again.

So much love